I just need some time.

An open letter to the man I love.

Convenient.

That’s how I feel you’d describe me if you were ever asked what you thought of me using one word. I was always there whenever you needed me, no matter the time of day, no matter what other shit I had going on. You were there with me at the most difficult time in my life, and for some reason, I’ve made myself believe that since you were present then, I’m forever indebted to you. I gave you my all and all you did was take, take, take, with only empty promises of giving back.

We were doing so good, that’s why this entire situation has me so fucked up. I can’t pinpoint when exactly things went wrong, everything just stopped. Our 4-hour long phone calls when we both couldn’t sleep, us hanging out and talking about everything under the sun, and you just being there for me, stopped. Stopped with no explanation as to why. Here I am falling for you and you just leave me deserted. I’d sit and wait for my phone to ring or for a response to my text, I got neither.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I was too trusting when it came to you. Thinking if I gave you the time you requested everything would be great and we’d live happily ever after. But, that wasn’t the case, and you knew it. You knew that as long as you gave me hope that there could still be an “us,” I’d stick around. You knew that when it came to you, I was weak. You knew how much I cared for you and you used it to your advantage. You watched me cry my eyes out, whipped my tears and still continued to lie to my face.

You’ve “moved on” and you say you’re happy, I’m glad that you’re happy. I just wish you’d actually move on and leave me alone, for good. I’ve completely blocked you out of my life, and you always find a way to reconnect with me. How can you think this is fair to your girlfriend? How is this fair to me? For us to share so many intimate moments, then the next day you’re on snap chat having a picnic with her as if you didn’t just leave my house. For you to claim you don’t know if yall are still together but then take her on the same vacation you promised to take me “once you get back right.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter at all. I just feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see how true my feelings were for you. I’m sorry that you felt the need to lie to her and me simply because you’re a shitty person. I’m sorry that you’ve now lost what could’ve been something great.

You claim you left because I liked you too much but you also claim you were “tricked” into your current relationship. But who the hell stays with someone they don’t want to be with? NO FUCKING BODY, that’s who. She does not deserve to be with someone like you, neither of us do. It’s almost like everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see dumbass written on my forehead, but you obviously do. To think that you could waltz your way back into my life and continue to feed me with bullshit shows me how little you think of me. It makes me second guess if I truly love myself to allow you to do this whenever it’s convenient for you. Tears roll down my face as I write this but not tears of sadness, not tears of regret, but tears of relief. I’ve never wanted anything but to see you happy. Even though you’ve caused me so much pain, I wish you nothing but the best.

-L

6 thoughts on “I just need some time.

  1. I love the fact that you have courage enough to write what you went through and may still be going thru. I know alot of females (like myself) who would love to just have someone to just tell their problems, share what’s going on in their life, but are too afraid to do it because they are afraid of what that person might think or might do with the information they just received…yo I just love this. Ps. Was seriously planning on messaging u to find out wen you gonna post another story.

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    • That’s was my whole reason for starting this blog. I too was scared to speak on my feelings but it started to eat me alive. When you’re holding everything in and trying to be strong it can cause you to self distruct. I’ve seen it happen so many time, I couldn’t allow myself to get to that point. Find someone to talk to, someone close to you, a stranger and I’m always here to listen and give advice if you’d like. Thank you so much for reading 💜

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  2. I love your character and I wouldn’t have never knew this would’ve happened to you but I’ve learned it happens to the best of us. I applaud you for speaking out it. I’m waiting on the next write!!!! ❤️❤️❤️

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  3. I commend you on your bravery and courage in sharing your life experiences. The truth is there is soo many women out there that are too scared to speak on their struggles but reality is that life is a learning experience and failed relationships are a part of that process. We Live, We Learn, We Adjust Our Crowns Till We Find A King & Settle Down! Love, Love Reading your blogs xx Keep Em Coming xx Dellie

    Liked by 1 person

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