Friendship, Schmenship

“Show me who your friends are, and I’ll tell you who you are.”

Well, that sure as hell wouldn’t work for me. I’ve always been the type of person to make sure my friends were happy. Whether it be moral or emotional support, loaning them money when they need it or even giving them a place to stay. I was basically welfare to them, in a sense. I never did things for people because I wanted to be acknowledged, I did it because that’s the kind of person I was raised to be.

It’s crazy that people think that the length of time you’ve known someone determines how loyal they are to you. *ekkkkk, wrong.*

All of the people in my life currently that I consider “friends” are people I’ve met or have become close with in college, except for 2 people that I’ve known since elementary/middle school. I can honestly say they’ve been the most supportive, loving and genuine group of individuals I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing.

I’ve come to the conclusion that people I’m no longer friends with were never my friends in the first place. One thing I know for a fact is that people will envy and hate you for no reason other than the fact that you’re you! I love everything about myself, and some people hate the fact that I do. It’s not my job to change the way I feel about myself just so people around me can feel comfortable about themselves.

Losing my old friends was never about them trying to sabotage me or calling me out on Facebook or even about sleep with my ex, it was something deeply rooted in them to cause havoc in my life. I don’t possibly know how a sane person can say you’re their “friend” and cause you so much pain with absolutely no remorse. Just staying in my life, pretending and waiting for the perfect moment to strike. But honestly I could only blame myself, I wasn’t selective about who I let in my life. If I would’ve been more selective in who I chose to give the divine name “friend” I could’ve saved myself some tears. (Y’all know I cry a lot, I’m human) I honestly don’t know why I expected anything less from them. I saw the way they treated their other “friends” and listened to how they’d badmouth them when they weren’t around. It was sickening to watch.

I say all this to say be mindful of who you let disturb your piece. I’ve held on to so much pain and hatred for these people when I should be thanking them. I’m thankful they were so quick to show their true colors and didn’t wait til I was dead or something to spit on my grave (lmao). Thanks for sabotaging my previous endeavors and not my new found passion for blogging and a big thank you for having sex with my ex and not waiting til my wedding day to throw yourself at my husband. Thanks for all the shit you have put me through because it made me who I am today; a strong bad ass woman that’s building an empire with the stones that were thrown at me by you guys. It’s crazy though because I laugh every time I take a trip down memory lane because I remember thinking ‘how the fuck am I gonna live without them?’ Let’s just say I’m living life and surviving.

I just need some time.

An open letter to the man I love.

Convenient.

That’s how I feel you’d describe me if you were ever asked what you thought of me using one word. I was always there whenever you needed me, no matter the time of day, no matter what other shit I had going on. You were there with me at the most difficult time in my life, and for some reason, I’ve made myself believe that since you were present then, I’m forever indebted to you. I gave you my all and all you did was take, take, take, with only empty promises of giving back.

We were doing so good, that’s why this entire situation has me so fucked up. I can’t pinpoint when exactly things went wrong, everything just stopped. Our 4-hour long phone calls when we both couldn’t sleep, us hanging out and talking about everything under the sun, and you just being there for me, stopped. Stopped with no explanation as to why. Here I am falling for you and you just leave me deserted. I’d sit and wait for my phone to ring or for a response to my text, I got neither.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, but I was too trusting when it came to you. Thinking if I gave you the time you requested everything would be great and we’d live happily ever after. But, that wasn’t the case, and you knew it. You knew that as long as you gave me hope that there could still be an “us,” I’d stick around. You knew that when it came to you, I was weak. You knew how much I cared for you and you used it to your advantage. You watched me cry my eyes out, whipped my tears and still continued to lie to my face.

You’ve “moved on” and you say you’re happy, I’m glad that you’re happy. I just wish you’d actually move on and leave me alone, for good. I’ve completely blocked you out of my life, and you always find a way to reconnect with me. How can you think this is fair to your girlfriend? How is this fair to me? For us to share so many intimate moments, then the next day you’re on snap chat having a picnic with her as if you didn’t just leave my house. For you to claim you don’t know if yall are still together but then take her on the same vacation you promised to take me “once you get back right.” Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter at all. I just feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see how true my feelings were for you. I’m sorry that you felt the need to lie to her and me simply because you’re a shitty person. I’m sorry that you’ve now lost what could’ve been something great.

You claim you left because I liked you too much but you also claim you were “tricked” into your current relationship. But who the hell stays with someone they don’t want to be with? NO FUCKING BODY, that’s who. She does not deserve to be with someone like you, neither of us do. It’s almost like everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie. When I look in the mirror, I don’t see dumbass written on my forehead, but you obviously do. To think that you could waltz your way back into my life and continue to feed me with bullshit shows me how little you think of me. It makes me second guess if I truly love myself to allow you to do this whenever it’s convenient for you. Tears roll down my face as I write this but not tears of sadness, not tears of regret, but tears of relief. I’ve never wanted anything but to see you happy. Even though you’ve caused me so much pain, I wish you nothing but the best.

-L