To say relationships are easy would be a lie. When you’re dating someone you’re forced to think about someone else besides yourself, which unfortunately can lead you to put someone else’s happiness before yours.
In the beautiful city of Houston, there is an excessive number of Africans and just to save yall from being “hoe shamed” THEY’RE ALL RELATED! (Just kidding, but they might as well be.) You mess with one, you’re done with the whole city. No more Wednesday nights at Prospect for you. That’s where I f-ked up. I was “talking” (f-king hate that term but yea), so I’m with this guy, we’re not dating, but we’re together every day, and I’m faithful to him because I’m a dumb ass and all that jazz. At this time in my life I never actually partied as much as I do now, so I always found out my current bae knew my old baes from them watching each other’s snap story while we’re cuddled up at my apartment (insert dead emoji). So now I’ve hit my limit on the amount of people you’re allowed to “talk to” that are related, I’m screwed. (I promise this has something to do with the rest of my story, just bare with me).
Okay, so since Houston is 99.9% Africans, of course, my new bae was African. My friends didn’t think he was cute, but it wasn’t their man, so I didn’t give a damn. (For the sake of saving myself from receiving “why the fuck you mentioning my name on your blog” texts we’re going to refer to the new bae as “New Bae” :). I officially met new bae a few days before I went on vacation at a mutual friends party. I’d seen him at other functions, but we never spoke because I wasn’t interested and I was stuck in a “situationship” with the love of my life. (another dead emoji here, please and thanks). While on vacation, we talked EVERY. SINGLE. DAY throughout the two weeks I was in Guyana. It’s crazy to me how easily I fell for someone who I didn’t properly know, but I was high key tired of my “situationship” and wanted to see where things would go. I had a feeling that we’d eventually start dating, so I mentioned to him that I’ve already hit my max on dating Africans in Houston (the limit is 1-2, btw). He said plain and simple “I cannot judge you on your past, I can only judge you from what I’ve seen.” Those words ladies and gentleman are a prime example of what I like to call “MOUTHPIECE.” (Mouthpiece: saying exactly what the other person wants to hear, just to either get what you want or throw it back in their face later.) I was a little skeptical, but I was like what the hell, what do I have to lose? (besides my god damn time, *rolls eyes*)
I was told that I fall too hard by one of my old baes. At the time my feelings were hurt, but then I realized I don’t give a fuck how hard I fall because I only give the amount of love I want to be given back in return. Obviously, me saying this only means I fell in love with new bae.
I swear he was just perfect, no one could tell me otherwise, not even my mom (mom if you’re reading this, I’m sorry for not listening to you.) He made me feel normal again after all the fire and brimstone that rained down on my life in the previous months. I was comfortable with him, and I loved everything about him. When I say, I was in love with this man, I. WAS. IN. LOVE. Looking back now, it could’ve been lust but who the hell cares, he was mine, and I was his.
Ladies, when you get to the point where you love your man more than you love yourself, it’s time to rethink the entire relationship.
As the relationship matured new bae completely changed into someone I didn’t recognize. He became very insecure and obsessive. He would come over, and the FIRST thing he’d do was go through my phone, my DMs and even monitored my Instagram likes and blocked those who liked too many of my pictures. It got to the point where we argued every day over why this person or that person “liked” my picture. (I honestly don’t know what the fuck he thought Instagram was created for.) He would call me thirsty and say I was seeking attention by leaving my Snapchat and Instagram public. It got to the point where he wouldn’t allow me to see my friends or would get mad if I made plans to go out with them because in his eyes they were all “hoes.” ( Like his boys don’t fuck everything with legs, but that’s beside the point.)
Many nights I would lay in bed and just cry my eyes out because I didn’t know what else to do. I was completely faithful; I loved him with everything in me yet that wasn’t enough for him. The same things he said he wouldn’t judge me on, he threw right back in my face. He would call me a bitch, hoe and all the other names in the book but for some reason, I couldn’t find the strength to leave. It wasn’t like we lived together, so it wasn’t an impossible task; it’s like I was sticking around to see if he’d reverse to the person I fell in love with. But that was never going to happen; I had to find someway to stop loving him and start loving myself.
Now I know I’m not perfect, I’ve never claimed to be perfect. Of course, I’ve cursed at him and called him out of his name, but for every action, there is an equal or lesser reaction. When you’re constantly being pushed to act in a way you’re not used to acting, it can make you forget who you are. But I don’t live a life of regrets. Everything that I’ve done in life was done for a reason. Regardless of if it was good or bad, it was a lesson learned.
When I finally ended our relationship, of course, he was upset, but I had to do it for me. He deleted over 200 of my Instagram pictures and blocked numerous people (mostly men) on my Instagram and Snapchat. But that still wasn’t enough, he logged into his iCloud on my iPad and reported it lost. I still don’t have access to my iPad, but I’m just going to charge it to the game; you can’t put a price on happiness and sanity, which is in abundance now that I’ve left the past in the past.
Never let yourself get so caught up in loving someone else that you forget to love yourself first. Don’t put yourself second to please someone else. Don’t sell yourself short.